The Boxcar Children Gone Wrong!
by armageddon-incarnate
Summary: Title says it all. Parody. Sorry, I've mangled it. Jessie as a psychopath kleptomaniac! Benny is fat and stupid! Henry is always angry! And Violet is... just there.
1. Idiot Children

The Boxcar Children… Gone Wrong!

A/N: I need my muses to get their exercise. I have to write a paper for school, and I don't have any ideas. So, I decided to dig out this parody I wrote one day and continue it. I used to love the Boxcar Children, but now I realize how pathetic they were. It was rare that any of them said 'Don't' or 'won't'. So, I decided to twist and mangle the beloved children's classic. Why not?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Chapter One: Idiot Children

One warm night, four children stood in front of a bakery. No one knew who they were. No one cared. But, because they are the main characters in this story, I must tell you who they are.

There were four children, as I said before, two boys and two girls. The order of age went like this: boy, girl, girl boy. The oldest of all the children, whose last name, by the way, was Alden, was a boy, obvious to all who read the last sentence, named Henry. He was kind of a bland boy, with brown hair and brown eyes. He was a little on the tall side, but that could have been because the only other people around him were his shrimpy siblings.

The next oldest, a girl named Jessie, was almost a whole head shorter than Henry. She had long brown hair (all the Alden's had brown hair,) and brown eyes as well. She and Henry could have been twins who were different sizes, but they weren't.

The next child was Violet. Despite her name, she did not have violet eyes. She did, on the other hand, have violet hair. Yes, I know I said previously that they all had brown hair, but Violet had dyed hers violet a long time ago. Violet's eyes were, in fact, blue, much like the last, and consequently youngest child.

His name was Benny, and as previously said, he had blue eyes and brown hair. He was kind of chubby, although his parents would have called him 'pleasingly plump' because they were very nice. His face was pressed up against the glass, and I would be lying if I said he wasn't drooling a little bit.

The moon rose high overhead, and, unbeknownst to them, adventure began for the Alden children…

A/N: Yeah, that's the first chappie. Remember, just needed to give my muses some exercises to loosen them up. No one will actually review this, but I don't care!


	2. Breakin at the Bakery!

The Boxcar Children Gone Wrong!

A/N: I'm back, I finally felt like updating, plus I'm pretty bored. But I still love you! Thanks to my three reviewers, this chapter is for yis (that's you, pluralized!!!)!

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Chapter Two: Break-In at the Bakery!

Benny Alden drooled. No, literally, he was drooling. It was getting all over the window, and it kept blocking his view, whereupon he would vigorously wipe it away with his sleeve. What he was staring at was the delicious cakes and pastries in the bakery shop window.

"Hey, Jessie?" He asked, slurping back a load of saliva.

"What is it, Fatso?" Jessie replied cruelly.

"Huh?"

"What, Benny?" Jessie was also staring in the window of the bakery, though not at the cakes. Behind the counter, in full view of the children, was the cashbox.

"Can I have a cake to eat? Or maybe ten… yeah. Can I have ten cakes to eat?"

"Absolutely not. You're fat enough as it is, and plus all the sugar will give you a weak bladder, like it always does."

"Huh?"

"No, it'll spoil your dinner," Jessie sighed in disgust.

"Oh. Darn."

Henry, the leader of the children, (according to himself… there was a certain dark-haired girl who would beg to differ,) viewed the bakery with two eyes, not at all a difficult thing for him, considering he HAD two eyes, then turned around to his siblings. "Okay," he said, "Here's the plan… In the morning, I am going to go to the store, and get a job. Then, with the money I make, we can buy an apartment in town, and get some food. We will keep living until I turn eighteen, and then I will adopt all of you." Henry beamed with excitement at his genius plan.

Jessie scowled in disgust. "Yeah, good idea, nimrod, too bad it can't work!"

"IT CAN WORK, IT CAN, I CAME UP WITH IT!" Henry roared, red flashing before his eyes.

"Henry, Henry, calm down, calm down!" Violet put an arm on her older brother's shoulder.

Slowly, Henry calmed. He jerked his shoulder a little bit, giving Violet the signal to get off him. Violet pulled away, looking a bit crushed. "And… would you like to tell me why my genius plan won't work?" he asked, breathing heavily.

"Because you can't get a job."

"I CAN GET A JOB IF I WANT TO!" Henry hollered again.

"No, you can't."

"CAN TOO!"

"Cannot."

"TELL ME HOW I CAN'T, THEN!"

"You can't get a worker's permit. Mother and Father are both deceased."

"SO WHAT, I'LL- oh. Oh. Uh… okay… do you have a better plan?"

"As a matter of fact, yes, I do."

"What's that?"

"We break in."

Henry paused for a moment, thinking about this. Then, he realized what was being said.

"WHAT?!"

"I said, we break in."

"Wh…. No! NO! I absolutely refuse to let you break into this bakery!!"

"What about the one across the street, then? We'll starve if you don't let me…"

"No, absolutely not! That is just wrong, Jessie!!!"

"Oh, who am I kidding, like I care. Move aside." She shoved him out of her way, and grabbed a barrette from her hair. In a few short moments, she had the door open, and was inside, rooting around in the cash box. She also grabbed a loaf of bread. Benny followed her inside, completely ignorant to the seriousness of the crime they were committing.

"Jessie, I want cake," he said, bumbling over to the counter.

"No, Benny," Jessie snapped. "And be quiet!"

"But I want cake!" Benny whined.

"No! Shush!"

"I WANT CAKE NOW!!!" Benny hollered before bursting into tears.

"SHUT UP, BENNY, OR YOU'LL WAKE UP THE BAKER AND HIS WIFE, AND THEN WE'LL BE IN TROUBLE, AND YOU'LL NEVER GET A PIECE OF CAKE AGAIN, MUCH LESS FOOD!!!" Jessie screamed at him, waking the baker and his wife.

Both were round, cruel people, not very bright, but smart enough to figure out when their source of income was being stolen from. The both of them barreled down the stairs, just in time to see Jessie run from the door, dragging Benny (her accomplice who would surely turn her over to the police if caught,) behind her.

The baker and his wife, Mr. and Mrs. Barlington, gave chase, but neither were big on running sports, so they were soon left behind in the dust. The last they saw of the thieves were the four children running, Jessie easily ahead, Violet behind, struggling to keep up, and Henry, with the heavy Benny on his shoulders, lagging behind.

"Yea-haw!!!" exclaimed Benny, excited by their adventures, plus the fact that he wasn't the one doing all the running.

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A/N: Yeah, so… thanks to all my reviewers… This was fun to write… hehe… And don't worry, there'll be more with Violet later… I know she doesn't have a big part now, but trust me… it's gonna only get worse from here on in… Please give any constructive criticism you may have… 


	3. FLEE!

The Boxcar Children Gone Wrong!

A/n: Wow. I have no idea where all of you who reviewed came from, I have no idea what you are doing reading this, but I'm really glad you did. Also, to whomever '2lazy2login' is… am I really the only real one? Wow… I haven't read the others, but… wow. So… we continue. If we're lucky, we may actually get to the Boxcar. If we're lucky.

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Chapter Three: FLEE!!!!

"Hurry up, Henry!" Jessie screamed. They were running away from the scene of the (well, Jessie's) crime.

"C… can't," wheezed Henry, out of breath. "N… need to s… stop. Need air."

"We can't!" Jessie shouted. "We have to keep going!"

"Can't… go… on…" Henry gasped, slowing. "Going to… collapse…" And he did, right in the middle of the bike trail they had been running on. Benny rolled off his brother's shoulders, fat thumb stuck firmly in his mouth, fast asleep. Violet stopped running to check on her brothers. Jessie, sensing a situation that could eventually lead to her in prison, stopped as well, backtracking to where her brothers lay.

"Hey! Grunt! Brute! Henry, get up!" she prodded him several times with her toe. "Get up!" she knelt next to the eldest Alden and slapped him several times across the face, in case he was unconscious. Henry simply moaned. "Get up!" Jessie kicked his side rather hard.

"Please leave me alone," groaned Henry. "I really would prefer dying in peace."

"Oh, come on, Henry," said Jessie, who was trying to yank Henry up by his hair. "You aren't dying."

"Oh, I'm not, huh?" Henry wrenched himself out of her grip, and then rolled over.

"No, you're not. Now get up!!!" Jessie proceeded to beat him with her fists, as hard as her skinny little arms would allow. Finally, she gave up.

"Fine, loser. We're leaving. Come on, Violet." Jessie moved to leave. Violet stayed still, confused. "Come on, Violet. And bring the ball of fat; that is, our other brother." Violet moved and picked up Benny, staggering slightly under his weight. "Nuh uh, put him on the ground and kick him along like a soccer ball."

Violet, now utterly confused, put her little brother on the ground and tapped him with the toe of her shoe.

"No, no, you do it all wrong. Hard, like this." Jessie booted Benny rather hard, sending him flying. A look of shock and horror spread across Violet's face. "Don't worry, all that fat protects his internal organs. Now come on. We're leaving." They began walking after their little brother.

Henry lay on the ground, the sand getting in his hair. They had left him. HIM! The oldest in the family, who would be the breadwinner when he could work without a permit. They had left him. Suddenly enraged, Henry shot up in the air and ran after them.

"JESSIE, I'M GONNA GET YOU!" he hollered, moving to kick her. But she somehow managed to side step him, and he instead kicked Benny, sending the chubby boy a good hundred feet.

"Good kick!" Jessie grinned.

They managed about seven more good kicks before Benny woke up.

"Uhh… Jessie, I'm hungry."

"What do I look like, a box of cereal?"

"No… like a chicken leg."

"WHAT!" Jessie kicked her brother twenty feet.

"Owie…" Benny, still groggy, rolled over. "Whad'cha do that for?" he asked.

"There was a bug on you, but I smushed it. Don't worry."

Violet bit her lip timidly. "Uh… I think it's going to rain," she said quietly.

"No it's not," laughed Jessie. "Where'd you get that idea?" Suddenly, thunder rumbled, and rain started pouring out of the sky. Jessie looked up at the sky, and then back at Violet. "I hate you," she said.

"We need to find shelter!" Henry shouted for no apparent reason. He looked around. "There!" he pointed to a reddish boxy thing.

They ran towards it, only to find the red was actually rust.

"Climb inside!" Henry hollered, yanking the large door.

"Are you insane?! I'm not gonna get sepsis!" Jessie yelled back. But then the thunder rumbled loudly. "Oh, forget it!" Jessie climbed inside, followed by Violet, Benny, and finally Henry.

"Ew," said Benny around the large thumb in his mouth. "It smells like mildew in here."

"It's a boxcar," said Henry knowledgably.

"Let's live here," said Violet softly. "So we don't have to live with our psycho grandfather."

"Whatever. I'm tired now. Don't touch me while I'm sleeping, or I'll tear your eyeballs out followed by your esophagus, followed by both your kidneys, followed by…" The Aldens began to get sleepy as Jessie listed off her usual threats. "…And then the last thing I'll do is tear out your heart and force you to eat it…"

They all fell asleep, the thunderstorm rocking the smelly, disgusting boxcar like a cradle.

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A/n: So, yeah. They found the boxcar! It was random, but I wrote it! Yay! Thanks to any and all who reviewed; please continue to do so, as you are my main reason for writing this! Thank you! 


	4. A Bad Business at the Boxcar

Boxcar Children Gone WRONG!

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A/n: Hey, everybody! Thank you so much for all your reviews! I really do appreciate it. I'm sorry I sort of neglect this story… but hey! I finally updated. So, thanks again. I'm glad you like it.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Boxcar Children.

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Chapter Four: A Bad Business at the Boxcar

Benny Alden sat on the rotting wooden floor of the boxcar, picking at the peeling rust on the walls. "Hey Jessie? Jessie, I'm hungry."

"Shut up, warthog," Jessie was outside the boxcar, giving Henry a pile of hay she had stolen from a farmer with six starving children.

"What?" Benny asked.

"I know you're hungry, Benny, we all are," she said, grunting under the weight of the hay. Henry took it from her, and she went back to retrieve more. Violet sat, weaving a rug-looking-thing with her mad artistic skills. Benny stopped picking at the wall for a moment. Jessie returned with another pile of hay.

"Hey, Jessie?" Benny called again.

"What, crapface?"

"Huh?"

"What is it?" Jessie asked in her sickeningly sweet voice, the only voice Benny was capable of hearing.

"I'm thirsty."

"Then go drink the rainwater out of that mud over there, and die of dirt coating your insides."

"What?"

Jessie sighed. "Go stand outside with your mouth open wide, and maybe it'll rain."

Benny contemplated this for a moment. "Mkay," he finally said. He hopped out of the boxcar, nudging Henry in the process. Henry dropped the hay he had been holding onto Jessie's head.

"Great job, warthog! Now I've got to go get more!"

"Not my fault!" Henry shouted unnecessarily.

"Sure, butterfingers."

"SHUT UP!"

"Make me, worm."

Violet had stopped weaving, and was now watching the fight nervously. Benny stood a few yards away, mouth open as wide as he could, oblivious to the confrontation.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!"

"Stay out of my way. Or curl up into a ball and die. Your choice."

"I'M A MAN! I'M HEAD OF THE FAMILY!"

"Then find us something to drink, genius!"

"I WILL! AND I WON'T COME BACK UNTIL I DO!" And with that, Henry jumped off the boxcar and stormed away. It was silent for a moment, then Jessie spoke to Violet.

"Get your puny hiney out here and help me."

Violet rushed to do so. Jessie had complete control now.

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A/n: Uh oh… this doesn't bode well. Sorry for the crappy quality, but hey, it's one of my many shit-tastic fics! Yays! Please review with anything you've got. Thanks for reading! 


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